Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Low level panic

I may be having a minor wobble.

I leave on Thursday for the ALLA / NZLLA conference in Melbourne.

My suitcase is at my parents - we'll not even get into the massive size of the thing, which I have been informed by my Mum that I have to take, due to the fact that I've to take clothes and gifts for my brother and his girlfriend. They live in New Zealand, and are meeting me in Melbourne for a city break holiday. Oh, and also, clothes for my brothers best friend, who is also currently in New Zealand. And wine gums for another friend of mine.

Now, since they're just coming on a short break, they might not be prepared for the fact that they're expected to transport crisps, sweeties, and clothing back home...can you see the flaw in this plan? Can you visualise the piles of random stuff, abandoned in a hotel room due to lack of suitcase space? Can you hear me whimpering as I try and co-ordinate with them, my Mum, the friends Mum, and the girlfriends Mum?

So, before I can even consider packing, I have to figure out what else is going in the case. Other than my mind.

Therefore, tonight, I will be mainly:
  • Throwing clothes in a big blue IKEA bag, in advance of tomorrow being able to throw it in the car, go to my parents, step back, and letting my Aunt, Queen of Packing, do her work.
  • Stuffing hand baggage with important things like crossword puzzle books, pens, MP3 player, books etc.
  • Making sure I have all the conference and accommodation information printed out, and important things like passport, visitor e-visa, travel insurance.
  • Checking I don't have anything sharp: tweezers/cuticle scissors/nail clippers = BAD, although somehow badges which have a long spike on metal on the back = GOOD. Consistency? Nah!
  • Praying I don't end up sat next to the big/smelly/chatty/crying baby/snoring person on the plane.
  • Checking my shopping list of presents I have to bring back.
  • Wondering at exactly how exhausted I'll be arriving at 1am on Saturday, after the 20+ flight time, with whatever random stopover time on top.
  • Calculating exactly how many times I'll have to be patted down at airport security after randomly setting off the metal detectors (Dubai's quite fun - ladies get to go in a mini room, so the men can't see you being patted).
Top tip: never try and combine a conference on the other side of the world with a mini break to meet up with family. It really is quite traumatic!


Monday, September 13, 2010

How to make a librarian happy

First, start with a standard handbook for solicitors, available in many varieties, but for this example, make it a Company Law one.
Give it many, many, paper-thin pages, in order to fit the masses of information into it without it becoming large enough to risk it becoming sentient.Then give it a floppy cover: this ensures that, not only is it impossible to make it stand on a shelf itself, but its floppiness is also contagious, and it'll merrily take out neighbouring books during its slide to the ground.
Evidence: an action shot, taken when I tried to get the book to stand upright for a second while I took a photo. And its normal position/look, when placed on a shelf and left to its own devices.



















So: with those ingredients, you have created a book that annoys the librarian (as when it's on the shelf it's like a limp eel, and a Bad Influence on the other books), and the solicitors (who can't store them standing upright like the other books on their desk, so they have to lie flat / get buried under paperwork / annoy them when they can't find them due to the burying).

To make the librarian happy again, you need to do one simple thing: provide stiffer covers. Then the books can do amazing things, see?













I left them alone, unsupervised, for FIVE WHOLE MINUTES, and came back and they were still upright like that, yay!

Yes, it's the small things that make us happy...thank you Butterworths, for rescuing my shelves from the Attack of El Collapso.

P.S. The solicitors like them too: drawing most comments so far is the attractive dot design.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

In the country of the Always-Connected

The Facebooked-one is King.
So what happens if Facebook boots you off?
This woman is finding out...and has gone to some lengths to get her account reinstated, rightly or wrongly.

It reminds me of Judge Judy: "The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is Judge Facebook."


Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Checklists for sheriffs

I imagine the first entry on the How To Be A Sheriff checklist would be this:

1: Remember to turn up for court when you're meant to.

Therefore, this sheriff is really gonna be in the Bad Books with the Scottish Court Service...
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