Dumpling in a Hanky

I may be having a minor wobble. I leave on Thursday for the ALLA / NZLLA conference in Melbourne. My suitcase is at my parents - we'll not even get into the massive size of the thing, which I have been informed by my Mum that I have to take, due to the fact that I've to take clothes and gifts for my brother and his girlfriend. They live in New Zealand, and are meeting me in Melbourne for a city break holiday. Oh, and also, clothes for my brothers best friend, who is also currently in New Zealand. And wine gums for another friend of mine. Now, since they're just coming on a short break, they might not be prepared for the fact that they're expected to transport crisps, sweeties, and clothing back home...can you see the flaw in this plan? Can you visualise the piles of random stuff, abandoned in a hotel room due to lack of suitcase space? Can you hear me whimpering as I try and co-ordinate with them, my Mum, the friends Mum, and the girlfriends Mum? So, before I can even c...

First, start with a standard handbook for solicitors, available in many varieties, but for this example, make it a Company Law one. Give it many, many, paper-thin pages, in order to fit the masses of information into it without it becoming large enough to risk it becoming sentient.Then give it a floppy cover: this ensures that, not only is it impossible to make it stand on a shelf itself, but its floppiness is also contagious, and it'll merrily take out neighbouring books during its slide to the ground. Evidence: an action shot, taken when I tried to get the book to stand upright for a second while I took a photo. And its normal position/look, when placed on a shelf and left to its own devices. So: with those ingredients, you have created a book that annoys the librarian (as when it's on the shelf it's like a limp eel, and a Bad Influence on the other books), and the solicitors (who can't store them standing upright like the other books on their desk, so they have to li...

The Facebooked-one is King. So what happens if Facebook boots you off? This woman is finding out...and has gone to some lengths to get her account reinstated, rightly or wrongly. It reminds me of Judge Judy : "The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is Judge Facebook."

I imagine the first entry on the How To Be A Sheriff checklist would be this: 1: Remember to turn up for court when you're meant to. Therefore, this sheriff is really gonna be in the Bad Books with the Scottish Court Service...